|
Post by Suzie on Jun 17, 2007 20:47:12 GMT 12
A customer enters a pet shop. Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.) Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss? Owner: What do you mean "miss"? Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Owner: We're closin' for lunch. Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it? Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting. Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage! Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead. Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting! Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show... (owner hits the cage) Owner: There, he moved! Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage! Owner: I never!! Mr. Praline: Yes, you did! Owner: I never, never did anything... Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot. Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned! Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!? Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major. Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords. Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage! Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause) Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! Owner: No no! 'E's pining! Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! (pause) Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots. Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture. Owner: I got a slug. (pause) Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk? Owner: Nnnnot really. Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!! !!? Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet) Mr. Praline: Well. (pause) Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place? Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:00:18 GMT 12
Whaddaya mean thats not poetry? ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:01:40 GMT 12
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:02:36 GMT 12
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:05:33 GMT 12
“And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:09:43 GMT 12
"Oh Lord, bless this thy hand-grenade but with it thou might blow thy enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy."
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:11:35 GMT 12
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before...?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12.
Man: Thank you.
[...] The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now!
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?
Man: Oh, just a five minute one.
Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you!
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!
Man: Look this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn't.
Man: Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.
Man: You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!
Man: Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look!
Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: What!?
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 18, 2007 20:12:19 GMT 12
In case you haven't guessed, I'm a bit of a Python fan myself ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by tormore on Jun 18, 2007 20:16:16 GMT 12
Oh no? reeaaally??? neveeer? ..........
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jun 18, 2007 21:10:04 GMT 12
Receptionist: Yes, sir? Man: I'd like to have an argument please. Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before...? Man: No, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? Man: Well, what would be the cost? Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK? Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12. Man: Thank you. [...] The man knocks on the door. Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in. The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk. Man: Is this the right room for an argument? Mr Vibrating: I've told you once. Man: No you haven't. Mr Vibrating: Yes I have. Man: When? Mr Vibrating: Just now! Man: No you didn't. Mr Vibrating: Yes I did! Man: Didn't. Mr Vibrating: Did. Man: Didn't. Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did! Man: You did not! Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour? Man: Oh, just a five minute one. Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did. Man: You most certainly did not. Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you! Man: You did not. Mr Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: You did not. Mr Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: Didn't. Mr Vibrating: Yes I did. Man: Didn't. Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!! Man: Look this isn't an argument. Mr Vibrating: Yes it is. Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction. Mr Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: Yes it is. Mr Vibrating: It is not. Man: It is. You just contradicted me. Mr Vibrating: No I didn't. Man: Ooh, you did! Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no. Man: You did, just then. Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense! Man: Oh, look this is futile. Mr Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: I came here for a good argument. Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument. Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction. Mr Vibrating: It can be. Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition. Mr Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction. Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't". Mr Vibrating: Yes it is. Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. Mr Vibrating: No it isn't. Man: Yes it is. Mr Vibrating: Not at all. Man: Now look! Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning. Man: What? Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning. Man: But I was just getting interested. Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up. Man: That was never five minutes just now! Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was. Man: No it wasn't. Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. Man: What!? Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. Man: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous. Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are. Mr Vibrating: Thank you. Man: Well? Mr Vibrating: Well what? Man: That was never five minutes just now. Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man: I've just paid. Mr Vibrating: No you didn't. Man: I did! I did! I did! Mr Vibrating: No you didn't. Man: Look I don't want to argue about that. Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay. Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you! Mr Vibrating: No you haven't. Man: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid. Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Man: I've had enough of this. Mr Vibrating: No you haven't. Haha, this is rather like some MB "debates", dontcha think? ;D
|
|
|
Post by doggitt on Jun 18, 2007 23:38:10 GMT 12
It is too much like them Oasis Maybe we could set up a service for trolls that can't find an argument on the net... $2 a minute to argue with me
|
|
|
Post by Suzie on Jun 19, 2007 15:42:13 GMT 12
LOL I just love them. It doesn't matter how many times you hear them, they still make me giggle. ;D
|
|
|
Post by Suzie on Jun 19, 2007 15:50:07 GMT 12
I'd like to dedicate this to, ...... well, it's obvious really isn't it, lets not name them.
A Song for the Sensitive, the Idiot Song. From the Album, Monty Python Live at Drury Lane,
How sweet to be an Idiot, As harmless as a cloud, Too small to hide the sun Almost poking fun, At the warm but insecure untidy crowd. How sweet to be an idiot, And dip my brain in joy, Children laughing at my back, With no fear of attack, As much retaliation as a toy.
How sweet to be an idiot, how sweet.
I tiptoed down the street, Smiled at everyone I meet, But suddently a scream, Smashes through my dream, Fie fye foe fum, I smell the blood of an asylum, (Blood of an asylum, But mother I play so beautifully, listen. ha ha) Fie fye foe fum, I smell the blood of the asylum, Hey you, you're such a pennant, You got as much brain as a dead ant, As much imagination as a carvan sign.
But I still love you, still love you, Oooh how sweet to be an idiot, How sweet. how sweet. How sweet.
|
|
|
Post by Suzie on Jun 19, 2007 15:51:42 GMT 12
Burying the cat, from the 3rd series of Monty Python Mrs. Conclusion (Chapman): Hullo, Mrs. Premise. Mrs. Premise (Cleese): Hullo, Mrs. Conclusion. Conclusion: Busy Day? Premise: Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat. Conclusion: *Four hours* to bury a cat? Premise: Yes - it wouldn't keep still. Conclusion: Oh - it wasn't dead, then? Premise: No, no - but it's not at all well, so as we were going to be on the safe side. Conclusion: Quite right - you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say. We're going to have to have our budgie put down. Premise: Really - is it very old? Conclusion: No, we just don't like it. We're going to take it to the vet tomorrow. Premise: Tell me, how do they put budgies down, then? Conclusion: Well, it's funny you should ask that, because I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or you can shoot them just there, just above the beak. Premise: Just there? Well, well, well. 'Course, Mrs Essence flushed hers down the loo. Conclusion: No, you shouldn't do that - no, that's dangerous. They *breed* in the *sewers*!
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 19, 2007 16:01:56 GMT 12
I'd like to dedicate this to, ...... well, it's obvious really isn't it, lets not name them. A Song for the Sensitive, the Idiot Song.From the Album, Monty Python Live at Drury Lane, How sweet to be an Idiot, As harmless as a cloud, Too small to hide the sun Almost poking fun, At the warm but insecure untidy crowd. How sweet to be an idiot, And dip my brain in joy, Children laughing at my back, With no fear of attack, As much retaliation as a toy. How sweet to be an idiot, how sweet. I tiptoed down the street, Smiled at everyone I meet, But suddently a scream, Smashes through my dream, Fie fye foe fum, I smell the blood of an asylum, (Blood of an asylum, But mother I play so beautifully, listen. ha ha) Fie fye foe fum, I smell the blood of the asylum, Hey you, you're such a pennant, You got as much brain as a dead ant, As much imagination as a carvan sign. But I still love you, still love you, Oooh how sweet to be an idiot, How sweet. how sweet. How sweet. Brilliant, just brilliant ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by tormore on Jun 19, 2007 18:08:22 GMT 12
The cast:
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER Michael Palin MRS. SHAZAM Terry Jones SON John Cleese
The sketch:
(Pull out to reveal that the 'Blue Peter' set is in one corner of a stockbroker-belt sitting room. Two ladies an sitting by the fire looking at a photo album.)
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy, just like his father.
Mrs Shazam: D'you think so, Mrs Nigger-Baiter?
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh yes, spitting image.
(The door opens. The son comes in.)
Son: Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs Nigger-Baiter.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's walking already!
Mrs Shazam: Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . .
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Hello, coochy coo...
Mrs Shazam: Hello, hello... (they chuck him under the chin)
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oochy coochy. (the son smiles a little tight smile) Look at him laughing... ooh, he's a chirpy little fellow. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow ... eh? eh? Does he talk Does he talk, eh?
Son: Of course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's a clever little boy - he's a clever little boy. (gets out a rattle) Do you like your rattle? Do you like your rattle? Look at his little eyes following it ... look at his iggy piggy piggy little eyeballs eh... oo... he's got a tubby tumotum. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
Son: (whilst Mrs Nigger-Baiter is talking) Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea please. I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.
(Sound of an explosion out of vision. Cut to reveal Mrs Nigger-Baiter's chair charred and smoking. Mrs Nigger-Baiter is no longer there. The upholstery is smouldering gently.)
Mrs Shazam: Oh, Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded.
Son: Good thing, too.
Mrs Shazam: She was my best friend.
Son: Oh, mother, don't be so Sentimental. Things explode every day.
Mrs Shazam: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.
(The doorbell rings. Mrs Shazam goes to the door. A vicar with a suitcase.)
|
|
|
Post by doggitt on Jun 19, 2007 19:51:22 GMT 12
hehe, That is one of my favourites Tormore This still makes me laugh too (Cut to a courtroom. Severe atmosphere.) Judge: Michael Norman Randall, you have been found guilty of the murder of Arthur Reginald Webster, Charles Patrick Trumpington, Marcel Agnes Bernstein, Lewis Anona Rudd, John Malcolm Kerr, Nigel Sinclair Robinson, Norman Arthur Potter, Felicity Jayne Stone, Jean-Paul Reynard, Rachel Shirley Donaldson, Stephen Jay Greenblatt, Karl-Heinz Mullet, Belinda Anne Ventham, Juan-Carlos Fernandez, Thor Olaf Stensgaard, Lord Kimberrley of Pretoria, Lady Kimberley of Pretoria, The Right Honourable Nigel WarmsIcy Kimberley, Robert Henry Noonan and Felix James Bennett, on or about the morning of the 19th December 1972. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence? Randall: Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
|
|
|
Post by ladypenelope on Jun 19, 2007 22:48:57 GMT 12
All this and two pints of lager and a packet of crisps....... ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Suzie on Jun 21, 2007 16:35:04 GMT 12
All this and two pints of lager and a packet of crisps....... ;D ;D ;D ;D no thanks ......... I like Chinese
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 27, 2007 10:01:01 GMT 12
And of course how can we forget this .. now this is really poetry ;D Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse, When you're chewing life's gristle, Don't grumble, Give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... Always look on the bright side of life. [whistle] Always look on the light side of life. [whistle] If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life. [whistle] Always look on the right side of life, [whistle] For life is quite absurd And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin. Give the audience a grin. Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow. So,... Always look on the bright side of death, [whistle] Just before you draw your terminal breath. [whistle] Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true. You'll see it's all a show. Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And... Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the right side of life. [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistle]
|
|