Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on May 7, 2007 16:19:43 GMT 12
Wasn't too sure where to put this but figured here is as good a place as any! As I may have mentioned before, my husband's brother lives with us. He is about 17-18 years younger than my husband (the classic 'accident' of the family lol) so he is 20, but still has the brain of a teenager (I say that in the nicest way possible ). I feel kind of sorry for the kid because he has been kicked out of his mother's house for no good reason, and he doesn't want to leave his good job here in Chch to live in Nelson with his dad. He did live in a small flat by himself for a while but hated it and wasn't saving money, so when we decided to move back to Chch we asked him to move in with us. That way he is not so lonely and we all save money. However I have found coping with an extra person in the house rather difficult - the lack of privacy, the fact he uses our stuff without asking, just lots of little things that are building up and annoying me a bit. Does anyone have some good ideas about how to make our family life happier and easier?
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Post by meandog on May 7, 2007 16:24:38 GMT 12
I have no constructive suggestions for this problem Dalbyj. But I did consider taking in a boarder myself, but after some careful consideration I decided no. Most of my reasons was exactly what you have mentioned.
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Post by manuela on May 7, 2007 16:24:51 GMT 12
oh dear.... there is no easy way out of this... we have been there 3 times and came to the conclusion that NOT having a boarder / flatmate is the solution!!! sorry that I can't help you in a better way Dalbyj
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Post by sparrow on May 7, 2007 16:41:39 GMT 12
Oh Dalbyj. We've been in similar situations. We inherited a niece and a cousin. I found it exactly the same as you. In the end both moved on quite nicely and it was all amicable, but I did find the situations quite draining. Both seemed reluctant to contribute any housework because they felt "board" should cover it. We charged a minimal amount of board (so they could get ahead and because they were family), but it didn't really work out that well for us. I don't know how you feel about this, but I would try and hint that this is a short-term solution? Best of luck!
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on May 7, 2007 17:34:41 GMT 12
I think you are right, sparrow, it definitely needs to be a short term situation (in my book at least). It's difficult cos BIL thinks the sun shines out of hubbys backside and follows him around like a (not so) little puppy ... the only time I get to speak to hubby alone is at bedtime, and by that time I'm shattered! The housework thing is getting to me too, on Anzac day both hubby and I had to work but he didn't, we came home to find the house a pigsty and he was watching a DVD on our TV, even though he has a TV, video and DVD player in his own room. Might have to sit down and set some boundaries.
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Post by sparrow on May 7, 2007 17:48:00 GMT 12
On the boundary stuff - oh Dalbyj - I wouldn't be happy with that either! Bedrooms are sanctuaries and if he has all the stuff in his own room - why go in there? It's a difficult one, but I do think some boundary settings are a good idea. Would your hubby help you with it?
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on May 7, 2007 17:51:41 GMT 12
Yes I think he would, however he is dead keen on BIL staying with us for as long as he likes. I do think that hubby is starting to realise that I'm not so happy with the situation so hopefully we can get something sorted soon. Thanks for listening to my vent!
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Post by sparrow on May 7, 2007 17:57:09 GMT 12
You're welcome Dalbyj. Vents are good for the soul. Best of luck and let us know how it goes?
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Post by manuela on May 7, 2007 17:57:25 GMT 12
I think you are right, sparrow, it definitely needs to be a short term situation (in my book at least). It's difficult cos BIL thinks the sun shines out of hubbys backside and follows him around like a (not so) little puppy ... the only time I get to speak to hubby alone is at bedtime, and by that time I'm shattered! The housework thing is getting to me too, on Anzac day both hubby and I had to work but he didn't, we came home to find the house a pigsty and he was watching a DVD on our TV, even though he has a TV, video and DVD player in his own room. Might have to sit down and set some boundaries. best to set the boundaries sooner than later!!! good luck!!!!!!!
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on May 7, 2007 17:59:01 GMT 12
Thank you all - yes I'll let you know how it goes
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Post by OasisNZ on May 7, 2007 18:46:20 GMT 12
Good luck Dalbyj, in my experience it always puts a great strain on family dynamics when you take a boarder in.
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on May 9, 2007 15:59:56 GMT 12
Good luck Dalbyj, in my experience it always puts a great strain on family dynamics when you take a boarder in. Thanks .. yes it does seem to be doing that ... I think the worst thing was on Saturday night when BIL went out for the evening. He locked his keys in his car and instead of staying at his friends house or calling AA or whatever, he came knocking on the door just after midnight, so he could get his spare key from his room. I let him in and went back to bed, then he knocked on our bedroom door to tell me he needed to take my keys so he could lock the house up from the outside .. as if I would need them at that time of night! Took me ages to get back to sleep, only to be woken up by him yet again when he came home in his boy racer car at 4am. I still haven't recovered!
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Post by manuela on May 9, 2007 16:04:15 GMT 12
sort it girl!!!! for your and your family's sake...... (don't want to be rude but it looks like it is gone too far already)
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jun 7, 2007 16:25:34 GMT 12
OK update time: BIL is still with us, but fortunately things have gotten a little better. NOw that he has the internet in his bedroom, he stays in there quite a lot. Hubby has gone from enjoying his company to getting rather annoyed with him following him like a puppy ... so its been easier to bring up the 'boundary' issue with hubby. What really bugs me lately, is that we asked BIL to babysit for us in a couple of weeks time, and he said he couldn't as he didn't know what he would be doing that night. Personally I feel that since I cook dinner for him and clean up after him all the time, the least he could do is take an evening to look after the boys for us so that hubby and I can have a nice dinner alone - for the first time since the boys were born. (they are 7 and 8 now.) Unfortunately I'm not known for my tactfullness and I don't know how to say that to him without hurting his feelings .. any suggestions?
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Post by meandog on Jun 7, 2007 16:55:12 GMT 12
;D Well Dalbyj use your 'tactfulness' and tell him you are considering taking in a boarder that is prepared to occasionally babysit as it is the decent thing to offer after having his cleaning up done for him. Go for it, I could understand if he already had plans, but to say he did not know what he is doing that night means he is being a bit awkward. Sometimes these things just need pointing out,as some just take peoples hospitality for granted.
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Post by manuela on Jun 7, 2007 17:06:46 GMT 12
I am about as tactful as a bull in a china shop.... sorry can't help you!
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Post by OasisNZ on Jun 7, 2007 17:15:18 GMT 12
Frankly Dalbyj, you might just need to harden up a little and put the hard word on him. As the Capt. says, maybe if you specified a night and he did actually have something on it would be a different story, but to bluntly state that he's not sure what he'll be doing, therefore can't, is a pretty sad cop out! Ungrateful little prick needs to be put in his place, show him my post! ;D And here you are worrying about his feelings... You are just lovely, I hope you can work something out.
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Post by misilon1 on Jun 8, 2007 18:42:59 GMT 12
sorry to read of your troubles with your boader I suppose its because its another adult in your home with a different set of attitudes and agenda's wish I could help ,..thinking of you anyway
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jun 17, 2007 20:21:11 GMT 12
Thank you all, lovely people! Yes I do need to harden up ... but we have discovered a rather sneaky way to get our lounge back to ourselves in the evenings - and that is watching old British comedies on UKTV!!! A couple of minutes of Morecambe and Wise or Are You Being Served and he is off to his bedroom to play on his computer!
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jun 19, 2007 8:15:17 GMT 12
Another update re: babysitting ... my husband is a genius!!!
I have a small work gathering coming up next month that I really want to go to, so my husband can meet my workmates. So I told hubby about it and asked if he could get BIL to babysit for us. So last night, instead of asking him to babysit, hubby tells BIL: 'Keep July 20th free cos we need you to look after the boys that night so we can go out' Asking didn't work but telling sure did! He has put the date in his fancy phone so he won't forget and he will definitely be babysitting for us!
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