Had this sent to me today, I hope ya don't growl. LMAO.
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly >the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!" > >The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash >of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his >van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic >ecstasy. > >A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking >session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them >out. > >The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having >sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did. > >The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this >is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" “Well, ‘It's Not Unusual’."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you”, says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnnie, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnnie asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnnie comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnnie says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school."
After school, Johnnie comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.....
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. ! Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired a consulting company to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?", "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. " That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of you know what. We can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's place for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary Up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum again says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Okay, okay! What do you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model aeroplane glue.
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.'
'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine.
As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physio-therapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'
;D IF MY BODY WERE A CAR > > > > If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trad > >ing it in for a newer model > > > > I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is > >getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. > > > > > > My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up > >close. > > > > My traction is not as graceful as it once was. > > > > I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of > >weather. > > > > > > My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. > > > > > > It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. > > > > > > My fuel rate burns inefficiently. > > > > > > But here's the worst of it -- > > > > Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator > >leaks or my exhaust backfires!
;D The Pastor's Ass >> >> >> The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. >> The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he >> entered it in the race again, and it won again. The >> local paper read: >> >> PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT >> >> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity >> that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in >> another race. The next day, the localpaper headline >> read: >> >> BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. >> >> This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the >> pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to >> give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, >> hearing of the news, posted the following headline the >> next day: >> >> NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. >> >> The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would >> > have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a >> > farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: >> > >> > NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 >> > >> > This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the >> > nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains >> > where it could run wild. The next day the headlines >> > read: >> > >> > NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE >> > >> > The bishop was buried the next day. >> > >> > >> > The moral of the story is...being concerned about >> > public opinion can bring you much grief and >> > misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself >> > and enjoy life.. Stop worrying about everyone else's >> > ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! >> > >> > Have a wonderful day!
Dr. Peter Davis (Mr Helen Clark...) was jogging near his home in Auckland. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb."No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight arse?!"
A man and his wife were woken at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to investigate.
He opened the door to find a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.
The stranger asks if he can have a push.
The husband says "Not a chance, its 3 in the morning and its bloody pouring down with rain " and slams the door shut.
His wife asked who was at the door to which her husband replies "Just some drunkard asking for a push"
On asking if her husband helped him, he replies "No" "its 3 in the morning and its bloody pouring outside," at which she reminded him how they had been helped by a couple of strangers when they found themselves in similar circumstances.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, now go and help him".
The husband does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls into the dark "Hello. are you still there?"
"Yes," came the reply.
"Do you still need a push?" asks the husband
"Yes Please" came the reply.
"Where are you?" asked the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replies the drunk.
Last Edit: Dec 13, 2006 13:02:36 GMT 12 by shaaabear
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Trevor got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Trevor gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Trevor said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Trevor is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Trevor wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Trevor isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Trevor said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
RECTUM Stretcher Sorry.. I just had to share this..lol .. While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 kms over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait...The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"..To which she replied, "I'm late for work.".. "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?".."I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded...The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?".. "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide"..."And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked... . wait for ittttttt"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...".. Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS! lol
Jumping .. A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. .. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" .. The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." .. The husband replies, "What did he say about your 53-year old arse?" .. Your name never came up," she replied.
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.....
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
ladeda: RIP Kim 23-6-15 Will miss you xx
Jun 24, 2015 17:39:38 GMT 12
Dalbyj: So sad to see this, I just saw something on Facebook. Kim will be missed
Sept 21, 2015 20:38:27 GMT 12
Manukarose: I had no idea until Dablyj told me. John 5:28,29 - hope to see him in the New System.
Feb 29, 2016 11:30:57 GMT 12
Manukarose: All my love to Christine and family.
Feb 29, 2016 11:31:14 GMT 12
certegy: OMG - I just saw this and feel terribly sad. I was actually going through Tabetha's Journal and thought I would come online to this forum to retrieve some of the images for my Facebook page. I'm so gutted - my love and respect to Christine (Ladeda)
Feb 22, 2017 14:50:56 GMT 12