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Post by meandog on Mar 29, 2007 13:42:09 GMT 12
>>>A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the >>>final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she >>>would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would >>>pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected, the >>>million-dollar question was no pushover. >>>The question was: Which of the following species of birds does not >>>build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of >>>other birds? Is it: >>> A) The condor; >>> B) The buzzard; >>> C) The cuckoo; or >>> D) The vulture" >>> >>>The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she >>>was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline >>>and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her >>>Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that >>>she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew >>>would be home happened to be a blond. >>> >>>But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and >>>gave her the question and the four choices. The blond responded >>>unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The >>>contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. >>> >>>She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any >>>answer except the one that her friend had given her. And >>>considering that her friend was a blond, it would seem to be the >>>logical thing to do. On the other hand the blond had >>>responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the >>>contestant could not help but be persuaded. >>> >>>"I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the >>>contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." >>> >>>"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final >>>answer." Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you >>>that the answer is......absolutely correct. You are now a >>>millionaire!" >>> >>>A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and >>>friends including the blond who had helped her win the million >>>dollars. >>> >>> >>> >>>"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. >>>"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am >>>now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the >>>assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me >>>to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know >>>the right answer?" >>> >>> "Oh, come on!" said the blond. "Everybody knows that >>>cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks." >>> ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by ivyplus on Mar 29, 2007 14:13:51 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D
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Post by luxuryflake on Mar 29, 2007 17:40:09 GMT 12
THIS IS WHY SOME PARENTS DRINK.....
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned In sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, He dialled the employers home phone number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper.
"Hello"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?"
"No" Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss Asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the Earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed The helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching For?!!."
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle............
"ME".
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Post by meandog on Mar 29, 2007 19:06:05 GMT 12
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Post by meandog on Mar 31, 2007 6:48:20 GMT 12
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you Strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says ! the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the Same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you Suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the *blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to Discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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Post by OasisNZ on Apr 1, 2007 7:12:27 GMT 12
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..... I've quit drinking!"
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Post by ladypenelope on Apr 1, 2007 10:54:31 GMT 12
THIS IS WHY SOME PARENTS DRINK..... A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned In sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, He dialled the employers home phone number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper. "Hello" "Is your daddy home?" he asked "Yes" whispered the small voice "May I talk with him?" "No" Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes" "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No" Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss Asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman" Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child "Busy doing what?" Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the Earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed The helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching For?!!." Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle............ "ME". This has always been a favourite of mine ;D
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Post by luxuryflake on Apr 2, 2007 8:23:51 GMT 12
Health Misconceptions...Logical answers to FAQ.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (a green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: no pain... good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. These days foods are fried in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO-O! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. Chocolate's the best feel-good food around.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body. Rather, aim to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'Woo-hoo, what a ride!'
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Post by meandog on Apr 13, 2007 20:10:24 GMT 12
;D
Todays Joke: For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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Post by meandog on Apr 18, 2007 7:11:32 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."
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Post by manuela on Apr 18, 2007 7:42:19 GMT 12
now now.... we are not THAT bad... aren't we???
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Apr 18, 2007 9:31:09 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear." hehe - hubbys boss used to do something similar ... he would put a packet of panadol on his wifes bedside table, and she would ask 'whats that for?' he said 'your headache', and she said 'but I don't have one' .... and he would say 'GREAT!' lol
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Post by OasisNZ on Apr 20, 2007 8:42:05 GMT 12
Friday's In Hell One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do" "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" ;D
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Post by meandog on Apr 20, 2007 19:31:42 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the "Ding" and out on the "Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
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Post by meandog on Apr 27, 2007 16:33:32 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
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Post by meandog on May 6, 2007 19:47:38 GMT 12
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. This is the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot and leans back in his seat, and mutters; "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... Doesn't matter, you're all alike!" Said the captain
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic."
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Iceberg, ...... No mattah... Alla same." Said the co-pilot.
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Post by luxuryflake on May 6, 2007 20:54:43 GMT 12
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. This is the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot and leans back in his seat, and mutters; "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... Doesn't matter, you're all alike!" Said the captain There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Iceberg, ...... No mattah... Alla same." Said the co-pilot. Now that is a very good 'joke' could be well utilised in a culture workshop.
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Post by sparrow on May 6, 2007 21:06:52 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the "Ding" and out on the "Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!" Love it! Thanks for the laugh Meandog.
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Post by meandog on May 16, 2007 10:01:18 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.
"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.
"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad" the young man said.
"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.
"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.
"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.
"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"
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Post by meandog on May 22, 2007 14:43:17 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom." The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid." At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'." The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices." "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'." Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
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