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Post by meandog on Oct 12, 2006 19:27:07 GMT 12
A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply. "$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?" "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5. But it will be traumatic." "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman, "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Post by meandog on Oct 12, 2006 19:31:34 GMT 12
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Post by ivyplus on Oct 12, 2006 19:33:22 GMT 12
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Post by meandog on Oct 12, 2006 19:41:26 GMT 12
How many men does it take to open a beer? >>None. It should be opened when she brings it. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? >>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably >>never be able to support you. >>------------------------------------------------------------ -------- >>Why do women have smaller feet than men? >>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows >>them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? >>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me." >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>How do you fix a woman's watch? >>You don't. There is a clock on the oven. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>Why do men fart more than women? >>Because women can't shut up long enough to >>build up the required pressure. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the >>front door, who do you let in first? >>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? >>A woman who won't do what she's told. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>I married a Miss Right. >>I just didn't know her first name was Always. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes >>a woman's sex drive by 90%. >>It's called a Wedding Cake. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>Why do men die before their wives? >>They want to. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>Women will never be equal to men until they can >>walk down the street with a bald head and a beer >>gut, and still think they are sexy. >>------------------------------------------------------------ ------- >>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. >>Then God created Man and rested. >>Then God created Woman. >>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth! >>
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Post by shaaabear on Oct 12, 2006 23:20:41 GMT 12
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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Post by meandog on Oct 13, 2006 8:49:21 GMT 12
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English Chinese That's not right Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Fuk Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here Wai So Dim I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Oct 13, 2006 9:04:23 GMT 12
Perhaps not so non PC but still funny ...
Notes to the milkman:-
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress?
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights 'Big Brother'. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
>From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
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Post by meandog on Oct 14, 2006 6:38:48 GMT 12
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Victoria?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's V!"
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Post by mpg1 on Oct 14, 2006 9:28:22 GMT 12
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'
Scroll down...
Keep going....
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
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Post by ivyplus on Oct 15, 2006 13:47:50 GMT 12
How to be funny: Your choices were the following:
(a) Call for help. (b) Laugh. (c) Break the other leg. (d) Pretend you're a doctor and try to set the leg. (a) is incorrect because it adds nothing to the humor of the situation. (b) is not the correct response either, because although this situation is admittedly funny, your goal here is to escalate the humor, not cash in on it. (c) is an appropriate humorous response because it causes pain. However, (d) is the correct answer, because pretending to be a doctor and monkeying around with the broken leg is both an untruth and a cause of pain, so it is more funny than response (c).
Special Case: If you are a doctor and answered (c) to this question, you may count your response as correct. In this case, (c) is the correct answer, because response (d) would not be an untruth and would cause much less pain.
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Oct 15, 2006 15:51:34 GMT 12
VERY un-PC ... but I laughed so much when I saw this that I had to share it with you lol [http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n187/Dalbyj/towel.jpg/img]
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Oct 15, 2006 15:59:35 GMT 12
Whooopsy I'll tryu that again lol
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Manukarose
Administrator
Honorary Founding Member
Posts: 1,175
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Post by Manukarose on Oct 15, 2006 16:06:27 GMT 12
very logical line of reasoning there dally! haha.
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Post by meandog on Oct 16, 2006 9:29:28 GMT 12
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A Will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6 A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you may be repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes only on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
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Post by meandog on Oct 16, 2006 9:34:28 GMT 12
A lion, walrus and a chicken were chatting one day when the lion said, "You know when I roar the whole jungle shakes." "Not bad," said the walrus, "but when I roar the whole beach quivers." "That's nothing" said the chicken "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world sh!ts itself."
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Post by meandog on Oct 16, 2006 9:39:26 GMT 12
Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .
. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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Post by meandog on Oct 16, 2006 9:41:33 GMT 12
The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started..... During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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Post by meandog on Oct 22, 2006 19:19:13 GMT 12
A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand." The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing the Kiwi replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."
The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?" The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie. "We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
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Post by meandog on Oct 22, 2006 19:25:59 GMT 12
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister!"
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Post by meandog on Oct 24, 2006 18:22:44 GMT 12
Subject: I LOVE THIS ONE A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I Would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink Curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a Hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks What size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room Are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her Computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need Curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!" _________________________________________________________________
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