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Post by meandog on Feb 27, 2007 12:58:40 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D BUTCH THE ROOSTER John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and 8 or 10 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now John could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, nail her and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result.....The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
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Post by OasisNZ on Feb 27, 2007 17:43:50 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D
An old farmer decided that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years so the farmer figured that getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So, he gets a young rooster and lets it loose in the barn yard.
The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this!" He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new guy in town. I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first, gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the cocky young rooster was a proud sort and he definitely thought that he was more than a match for the old guy, so he said, "okay, you're on. And since I know that I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."
So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old roster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster.
By then, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shotgun, and ran out to the barn yard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away. He walked away slowly saying to himself...."Damn! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"
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Post by meandog on Feb 28, 2007 9:32:17 GMT 12
;D ;D Bubba went to a psychiatrist. " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
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Post by meandog on Feb 28, 2007 9:37:10 GMT 12
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ~~'**'~~ An older gentleman was on the operating table waiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!" ~~'**'~~ Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ~~'**'~~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. ~~'**'~~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. ~~'**'~~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ~~'**'~~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ~~'**'~~ Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable! ~~'**'~~ Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ~~'**'~~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ~~'**'~~ First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper! (It's worse when you forget to pull it down!) ~~'**'~~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf! ~~'**'~~ The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street ( pronounced Peek-A-Boo ) is not just an athlete, she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phones when she would answer the phones and say "Picabo, ICU" ~~'**'~~ Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!!" ~~'**'~~ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station! ~~'**'~~ An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across , held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, "Then, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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Post by meandog on Mar 1, 2007 7:46:58 GMT 12
;D ;D
DON'T FART IN BED
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married For years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife And the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them Off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and That it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was Concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
And he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
She had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
Spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was Sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the Elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts Into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual Trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
The sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
Could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back Pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in His bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right. All these years you have Warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told Me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and
Today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two Fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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Post by meandog on Mar 1, 2007 19:57:53 GMT 12
;D Ya just gotta to love kids. ;D LOL.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the whimpiest.
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed." The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door
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Post by meandog on Mar 2, 2007 10:24:19 GMT 12
;D Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began? Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. ! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO ;D
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Post by OasisNZ on Mar 2, 2007 17:16:49 GMT 12
HAHAHA! Ivyplus could prove that story wrong, methinks! ;D
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Post by meandog on Mar 2, 2007 18:36:17 GMT 12
;D ;D LMAO x 100 I was thinking of Ivyplus when I c&p it in here. ;D ;D
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Post by ivyplus on Mar 2, 2007 20:44:00 GMT 12
;D ;D LMAO x 100 I was thinking of Ivyplus when I c&p it in here. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by meandog on Mar 16, 2007 13:30:45 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Post by misilon1 on Mar 17, 2007 6:56:55 GMT 12
Did Prince Phillip Fart? Priceless facial expressions
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Post by meandog on Mar 17, 2007 7:47:09 GMT 12
;D Yep ya not wrong there, cabbage,peas & garlic. LMAO ;D
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Post by meandog on Mar 17, 2007 14:10:59 GMT 12
;D Being St Patricks Day this would be fitting. LOL ;D
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Post by meandog on Mar 17, 2007 15:00:27 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Post by ivyplus on Mar 19, 2007 8:29:35 GMT 12
World's Shortest Fairy Tale...
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat,
travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot
water to herself.
She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy
lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or
yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and
farted all the time.
THE END
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Post by ivyplus on Mar 19, 2007 8:32:19 GMT 12
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Mar 19, 2007 11:34:45 GMT 12
World's Shortest Fairy Tale... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time. THE END And don't forget ... she NEVER EVER had to put the toilet seat back down! ;D ;D ;D
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Mar 21, 2007 16:23:39 GMT 12
Advertising in the London Underground ...
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Post by meandog on Mar 26, 2007 13:48:26 GMT 12
;D ;D Double Homicide > > The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with > beating your wife to death with a hammer." > > A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" > > The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law > to > death with a hammer." > > The voice in the back to the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" > > The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, > "Sir, I > can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but no more > outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that > understood?" > > The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your > > Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, > and every > time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." >
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