|
Post by manuela on May 22, 2007 15:04:37 GMT 12
|
|
|
Post by meandog on May 25, 2007 7:30:54 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on May 26, 2007 19:40:09 GMT 12
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATlON BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS
ELEMENT : Woman SYMBOL : Wo DISCOVERER : Adam ATOMIC MASS : Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg OCCURRENCES : Copious quantities in urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields if pressure applied to correct places.
CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in its natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact with each other.
|
|
|
Post by meandog on May 28, 2007 15:44:21 GMT 12
Peg,the tree hugging greenie, purchased a large tract of land on the West Coast South of Hokitika to save it from being clearfelled. There was a very tall tree on the highest point of her property. She wanted to see all of her land, so she began climbing the tree in a "bear hug" fashion. As she neared the top she was suddenly attacked by an angry possum. In a panic to escape, she let loose her grip with her arms and legs, and slid down the trunk at an ever increasing speed. Consequently, she managed to get many splinters in the area of her private parts. In very considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest Doctor, who worked at the large logging camp nearby. He calmly listened to her story, then told her to go into the examination room, where he would try to ease her suffering. She went into the room, sat down with much discomfort--------- and waited for over three hours before the Doctor reappeared. Outraged, Peg demanded "What took you so long"? The unperturbed Doctor replied---- "Well I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Authority, The Forestry Commission,The Maori Affairs Department, The Department of land Management, The Waitangi Tribunal. And also get Resource Consent, before I could remove old-growth timber and moss from a recreational area".
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on May 28, 2007 17:39:06 GMT 12
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 2, 2007 18:53:42 GMT 12
Metaphors Found in NSW (Australia) Year 12 English essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
|
|
|
Post by manuela on Jun 2, 2007 18:55:24 GMT 12
|
|
|
Post by manuela on Jun 7, 2007 20:20:41 GMT 12
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
|
|
|
Post by ladypenelope on Jun 7, 2007 21:27:14 GMT 12
O.K. heres a few sillies.LMAO. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" “Well, ‘It's Not Unusual’." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you”, says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. This is my kind of humour ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 8, 2007 17:17:29 GMT 12
The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." y
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jun 19, 2007 14:50:41 GMT 12
Sick days Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jun 19, 2007 14:56:31 GMT 12
Sick days Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jun 19, 2007 15:37:55 GMT 12
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
English Chinese
That's not right Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fuk n Ni
I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jun 28, 2007 19:42:25 GMT 12
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... some arsehole’s got my pen." ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by snabalula on Jun 28, 2007 19:47:38 GMT 12
what a crapper oops I mean cracker ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 5, 2007 6:56:55 GMT 12
;D ;D Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do" WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "Shit"
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jul 5, 2007 7:06:16 GMT 12
DOH!!!
|
|
|
Post by ladeda on Jul 5, 2007 17:34:30 GMT 12
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jul 5, 2007 19:19:25 GMT 12
Seen that one before, but it's a goody, haha! ;D
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jul 6, 2007 18:28:14 GMT 12
Fascinating Stuff.... You don't have to live without this knowledge any more Aren't you delighted?
The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?
|
|