|
Post by ladeda on Jul 6, 2007 18:44:38 GMT 12
And you can't lick your own elbow....
|
|
|
Post by doggitt on Jul 6, 2007 19:32:11 GMT 12
And you can't lick your own elbow.... YOU CAN!!!! But it involves amputation and not really worth it..
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jul 6, 2007 19:42:03 GMT 12
Speaking of elbows, there is one thing you can't lift with your stronger arm, but you can lift with your weaker arm...
|
|
|
Post by doggitt on Jul 6, 2007 20:53:01 GMT 12
The other arm?
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Jul 8, 2007 8:44:45 GMT 12
I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." . . . . . . . . . . .
|
|
|
Post by doggitt on Jul 8, 2007 12:11:01 GMT 12
LOL Kim
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 16, 2007 7:25:38 GMT 12
The House
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's wife but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control. > > > Who'd live near Windsor Castle?
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jul 16, 2007 16:33:28 GMT 12
Awww .. how can you say these are fierce??? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 21, 2007 10:40:49 GMT 12
The Funeral!! ;D A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes were on him he said, "I'm sorry I was thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist."
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Jul 21, 2007 12:28:42 GMT 12
The Funeral!! ;D A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes were on him he said, "I'm sorry I was thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist." and when he heard that, the proctologist fainted ... ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 21, 2007 13:34:45 GMT 12
The Funeral!! ;D A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes were on him he said, "I'm sorry I was thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist." and when he heard that, the proctologist fainted ... ;D ;D ;D Now I did have to use a trusty dictionary for that one Dalby. LOL. ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 24, 2007 14:21:38 GMT 12
A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder the baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today!" ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by manuela on Jul 24, 2007 15:09:48 GMT 12
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Jul 31, 2007 16:36:00 GMT 12
;D One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, mini-skirted young woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf.
The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks.
It wasn't long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated.
She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, "Is yours self-raising too?"
The feeble old man croaked, "No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!" ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Aug 2, 2007 16:39:44 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D Best Blonde Joke ever!! A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
|
|
|
Post by manuela on Aug 2, 2007 16:41:16 GMT 12
|
|
|
Post by manuela on Aug 3, 2007 9:55:02 GMT 12
Warning About Chocolate DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE? We were raised on chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you get given any from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. This is what happens when you eat chocolate! This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about. It could happen to you......or them. Chocolate will make your feet small!! Warn everyone
|
|
Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
|
Post by Dalbyj on Aug 3, 2007 15:53:53 GMT 12
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming* On second thought, I already have small feet so ... ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by OasisNZ on Aug 3, 2007 17:50:49 GMT 12
|
|
|
Post by meandog on Aug 21, 2007 7:14:44 GMT 12
I can't remember if this has already been posted. LOL. Tax Man At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
|
|