Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Aug 30, 2007 16:25:58 GMT 12
Stolen from TM General ...
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay...'
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Post by OasisNZ on Aug 30, 2007 18:20:12 GMT 12
I can't remember if this has already been posted. LOL. Tax Man At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." Blardy Brilliant!!!
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Post by OasisNZ on Aug 30, 2007 18:21:11 GMT 12
Stolen from TM General ... Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay...' Haha, it's nice being able to laugh again without spitting up half a lung! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by manuela on Sept 3, 2007 11:32:12 GMT 12
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Post by meandog on Sept 4, 2007 14:14:51 GMT 12
Zen Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, For I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and Leaky tire. 3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your Neighbour's' newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be Promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of Car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have Their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, And he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was Probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to Remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put It back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, And it binds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are Moving. 20. Experience is some thing you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative On the same night.
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Post by OasisNZ on Sept 8, 2007 8:03:25 GMT 12
Q: How many blond jokes are there? A: One. The rest are all true stories.
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Post by meandog on Sept 11, 2007 6:59:00 GMT 12
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes. He received an A
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Post by meandog on Sept 11, 2007 11:12:56 GMT 12
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Foodtown and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food??
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Post by meandog on Sept 18, 2007 7:01:50 GMT 12
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
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Post by OasisNZ on Sept 18, 2007 16:37:38 GMT 12
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Post by meandog on Sept 21, 2007 6:50:22 GMT 12
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling,laughing and pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...... "Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"
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Post by OasisNZ on Sept 21, 2007 10:00:51 GMT 12
Nice one Captain!
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Sept 23, 2007 14:59:51 GMT 12
My kind of Exercise Routine If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first. Do it faster only as you become more proficient.
**WARNING:**** ****This** * may be too strenuous for some. *
* Always consult your doctor //_before_// starting any exercise program! *
So, if you're ready,
SCROLL DOWN NOW........
NOW SCROLL BACK UP... That's enough for the first day. Great job.
*Now have a Chocolate.*
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Post by meandog on Sept 23, 2007 15:57:34 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by meandog on Sept 25, 2007 6:42:47 GMT 12
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." --- A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig. When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!" Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
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Post by meandog on Sept 25, 2007 10:36:10 GMT 12
How to be an Aussie this is gold! A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you. The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit "
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Post by meandog on Sept 25, 2007 11:24:01 GMT 12
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.naturally the Doctor asked him what happened. Well I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball, with my wifes monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of its private parts. Still holding its tail up I called to my wife, Hey this looks like yours. I don't remember much after that.
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Post by meandog on Oct 19, 2007 7:43:54 GMT 12
;D A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing
left to live for." ;D ;D
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Post by meandog on Oct 27, 2007 9:28:03 GMT 12
Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two working girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting crys of...Here I come again. ONE TWO THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE TWO THREE UGH! This went on all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go. The first mutters, It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that was embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.
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Post by meandog on Nov 3, 2007 7:25:38 GMT 12
What you selling Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store ... As yet, the store isn't ready...only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here?" One of the men replies, We're selling assholes here mate." Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!" HooRoo
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