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Post by mamamia on Dec 22, 2007 14:50:02 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Dec 23, 2007 1:54:47 GMT 12
;D ;D Copied & Pasted from Sideswipe in the NZ Herald. ;D ;D Tony King writes: "Watching TV the other night the ad for The F Word came on and they were talking about a dish on the table. When asked what it was, Gordon told his guest but I didn't quite catch what it was. On my asking, my wife said it was a bull's penis and a used vagina. I commented that that sounded a bit weird. On seeing the ad a second time I informed her of her mistake, it was indeed a bull's penis, and it's huge in China." ![](http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q27/galakadon/1196175332849.gif)
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Dec 30, 2007 20:18:10 GMT 12
The Womens Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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Post by meandog on Jan 5, 2008 6:49:04 GMT 12
;D Now why does that bring back memories. Mwahahahaha!!!!! ;D ;D
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jan 5, 2008 19:20:12 GMT 12
Oooops sorry, forgot that had a norty word in it ... my cousin sent me that email lol
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jan 8, 2008 8:55:22 GMT 12
This one might already be in here, but it's so funny it deserves to be here twice lol ...
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?!'
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Post by meandog on Jan 8, 2008 10:58:14 GMT 12
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ![](http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k276/Meandog_2006/Cartoons/sleep.jpg)
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Post by OasisNZ on Jan 8, 2008 12:14:32 GMT 12
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Jan 22, 2008 13:58:51 GMT 12
Stolen from TM .... ;D
We have a huge state house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate. The police do nothing.Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and girlfriend. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen in nightclubs with lovely women. The family's odd antics are always in the newspapers. Honestly- who'd want to live near Windsor Castle?
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Post by OasisNZ on Jan 22, 2008 21:03:04 GMT 12
A little native Indian boy goes to his mum and says... "Why is my older brother, "Big-Running-Bull" called that mum? "Because when he was born, I could see a big bull running across the paddocks from out of the tepee", says mum... "OK, so why is "Eagle-Diving" called that mum? "Well, because when he was born, I looked out the tepee and could see an eagle diving in the sky", says mum... "Now, why do you ask, "Two-Dogs-Fucking"?"
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Post by meandog on Jan 23, 2008 5:55:57 GMT 12
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Feb 1, 2008 7:47:20 GMT 12
Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at Jim, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' Jim says 'No, what?' 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!' 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim, 'He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. ' He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see whatyour monkey did now?' he asks. 'No, what?' replies Jim. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bottom, pulled it out and ate it!' said the bartender. 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim. 'He still eats anything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Feb 1, 2008 7:49:59 GMT 12
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese : "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, " Ryan , you be Jesus !"
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Feb 1, 2008 7:50:34 GMT 12
Related ?? A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,
'If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'
'The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,
'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Feb 5, 2008 17:50:36 GMT 12
The Polite Rap ... ;D ;D ;D
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Post by nemisis on Feb 6, 2008 11:17:53 GMT 12
why did Hitler kill himself? cause he saw the gas bill.
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Post by ivyplus on Feb 8, 2008 6:56:47 GMT 12
PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into The waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini. After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
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Dalbyj
Chief of Staff
Hope Springs a Kernal
Posts: 2,378
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Post by Dalbyj on Feb 15, 2008 19:42:36 GMT 12
What do you call a Maori flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by nemisis on Feb 20, 2008 16:23:52 GMT 12
why did the maori cross the road?
to claim the otherside
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Post by meandog on Mar 11, 2008 11:23:27 GMT 12
Report Cards by Teachers. ;D ;D
These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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