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Post by certegy on Aug 30, 2008 11:29:24 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Sept 4, 2008 21:39:56 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Sept 28, 2008 9:35:51 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Sept 28, 2008 17:11:19 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Sept 30, 2008 9:07:03 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Oct 10, 2008 6:30:19 GMT 12
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Post by ivyplus on Oct 10, 2008 19:03:55 GMT 12
A bit scary if you can't swim!
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Post by certegy on Oct 19, 2008 19:10:52 GMT 12
very true sweet - but I suspect they have people standing by in the event that someone can't swim - well (swallow) I hope so
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Post by certegy on Oct 20, 2008 19:01:19 GMT 12
There are 2 statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh , yes....but let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
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Post by certegy on Nov 9, 2008 19:46:05 GMT 12
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'
Acknowledgment:diamondgirl
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Post by certegy on Nov 19, 2008 15:11:21 GMT 12
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Bejaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!!!'
Acknowledgment: Bilbo
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Post by certegy on Nov 22, 2008 3:20:37 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Dec 5, 2008 11:48:40 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Dec 13, 2008 8:38:32 GMT 12
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Acknowledgements - diamondgirl
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Post by certegy on Dec 15, 2008 9:15:11 GMT 12
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Micky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Micky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now..
Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped Micky and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.' Micky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
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Post by certegy on Jan 9, 2009 10:01:10 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Jan 24, 2009 2:51:56 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Feb 4, 2009 8:35:49 GMT 12
SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.
TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and leaves.
SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SINBAD Single working girls, i.e. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.
AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OH-NO SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'Reply All').
GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually bugger all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
TART FUEL Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female.
PICASSO BUM A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
MB[2] Stormbringer on Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:10 pm
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Post by certegy on Feb 4, 2009 9:26:57 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Mar 24, 2009 0:13:27 GMT 12
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