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Post by certegy on May 8, 2009 2:43:30 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on May 8, 2009 2:46:35 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on May 10, 2009 15:00:55 GMT 12
Weird Al Yankovic "Amish Paradise"
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Post by certegy on Jun 11, 2009 18:52:20 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Jun 25, 2009 8:28:57 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Jul 29, 2009 3:51:01 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Oct 13, 2009 22:29:06 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Nov 11, 2009 17:39:20 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Dec 4, 2009 13:48:54 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Dec 6, 2009 22:00:00 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Jan 6, 2010 14:44:34 GMT 12
FUCK MY LIFE Get the guts to spill the beanswww.fmylife.com/tops/top/monthToday, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I would have fallen straight onto my ass, but thankfully my testicles broke my fall. FML #7143279 (99)
I agree, your life sucks (15029) - you totally deserved it (879)
On 01/04/2010 at 8:34am - health - by Soresack (man) - United States (Arizona)
Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible to do. Now my house is condemned. FML #924163 (123)
I agree, your life sucks (69974) - you totally deserved it (1803)
On 04/12/2009 at 9:53am - health - by Fitz (man) - United States (North Carolina)
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Post by certegy on Mar 2, 2010 6:32:09 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Mar 17, 2010 1:12:44 GMT 12
These are fun...enjoy!
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: -------------------------- The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. - ------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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Post by certegy on Mar 17, 2010 1:28:55 GMT 12
-You go to the ball with your cousin.
-A nice restaurant is an 'all you can eat' place.
-Someone in your family got pregnant at 15.
-A sleeve is a form of tissue for your nose.
-You have to do dishes more than 3 times a day.
-Your uncles and aunty's taught you to swear when you were 3
-Breakfast is the left over food from last night.
-Your sent to pick watercress for a funeral, 3 o'clock in the morning.
-You organise for a get together at 2 o'clock, and everyone shows up at 5.
-You get a hiding with a jandal/gumboot/chord/spoon
-You can sprint barefoot on sharp rocks.
-You visit cuzzies, and someone's wearing the clothes you left behind last time.
-Australia is your ultimate holiday destination
-You and your cousins sit around, and dis everyone who walks past.
-Your brother is over protective of you, then he beats up his missus.
-You have brothers or sisters with different mothers or fathers.
-You give the longest shout outs on the radio.
-You have 6 people in the back seat of the car.
-You go home after school on a Wednesday, and your parents are having a party.
-In a photo, someone's pulling some kind of gang related hand signal.
-Your mum cuts your hair cos you keep getting kutu's (headlice).
-Your at a party, and your aunty turns the stereo off then starts playing the guitar.
-You know all the words to 10 guitars.
-You see someone wearing your shoes that went missing at the marae.
-The words 'ow' 'chur' and 'sweet' are part of your vocabulary.
-you go to school to eat the other kids lunch
-you go to school to watch the teacher teach the other kids
-you give the pakeha kid a hiding for calling you dum
- bullrush was your favourite sport
-You get ur pakeha partner to go rent the flat
-you think ur tribe is the best in the world
-your dad cuts your hair, gets hoha and leaves the other half for the next day after school!!
-downloading songs is a habit
-your older brother makes you cry and your the one who gets a hiding for crying
-all your marbles are ball bearings and you try to pass them off as steelies
-Hello and goodbye is said by raising your eyebrows.
-you laughed at how the crocodile hunter died.
-your jandals / gumboots are: ur running shoes, ur work shoes, ur flippers and ur going out shoes.
-your swimming togs are shorts and t-shirt. (and ur in Maui, Hawaii, where all they wear is bikinis).
-you do bombs at the public pools where it says no bombing.
-brushing your hair is ... just putting on a beanie.
-your Dad is also your Koro
-you start driving, smoking and drinking when you are in form one
-you're good at touch
-at least one of your relations is a Coconut
-you cant speak Maori but are fluent when you are drunk
-you laugh at everyone who cant sing
-you laugh at everyone who cant dance
-you laugh at everyone who cant do both at the same time
-your at a party with the guitar and everyone only knows half the words to all the songs u sing
-you've got at least one uncle with a patch
-you go to a party and at least a couple of ur relatives are sleeping on the table
-you go to a party in three days time and its still going
-you go to a party and they start passing round da cowboy hat 4 beers
-you go diving with one flipper
-playing the spoons is right up there for percussion to the guitar.
-gumboots, jandals & a swandri are all considered #1's.
-the whanau hangi sacks and baskets get passed down to you
-rotten foods are a delicacy
-you try the whakapapa/tino rangatiratanga line to get into a public event
-you've been in a car with a drunk driver
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Post by certegy on Mar 17, 2010 1:48:02 GMT 12
WTF Frosty the snowman has a new hobbyLook familiar?
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Post by certegy on Apr 6, 2010 9:49:41 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Apr 30, 2010 13:04:22 GMT 12
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Post by certegy on Jun 23, 2010 15:50:46 GMT 12
A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. Dedicated to Macca
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